Everything Changes

Every year for the past 6 years we have hosted a BIG airshow party. It is always so much fun, SO much work but so much fun. Every year around midnight on July 5th after all the guests have gone and I'm dead on my feet looking at the mess in the house, in the yard, everywhere, I swear, SWEAR to myself that I'm never having another airshow party again. This year that wish came true. There was no airshow. We threw no party. The house and the yard is clean,empty and quiet. The neighborhood that is usually lively,noisy, filled with music,cars and the smell of almost the entire neighborhood outdoors, grilling is empty,still and quiet. Its sad. We all wandered around the house tonight, looking at each other with sad eyes saying "I miss the airplanes. I miss our friends."

Jon and I walked down to the end of our little road. It is such a beautiful night. The moon is so bright, the air is cool and it's foggy out. Its so quiet out,so quiet. He put his arms around me as we stood at the edge of the bean field. I wept. I'm so sad tonight and its not just because there was no airshow. It's a very long story and very hard to explain. I'm so hesitant to put it all up here for the world to see. Things have changed so much in my life over the past few months, including relationships with family members of mine that I dearly love. It was painfully obvious to me as we visited today how our relationship has changed, how it can never be the same again because I have changed. My loved ones don't want to see that happen. They don't want to talk about it. They want things to go back they way they were before. It can't and it won't. They want to pretend all is well, everything is fine, everything is the same as it always has been. Pretend,pretend,pretend. And if you don't do it their way and pretend, well then, you're the problem and there is something wrong with you. We do it their way or no way there is no other way, no discussion,no compromise,no meeting in the middle to try and work things out.
Nope.
Their way or the highway.
And as much as I hate to make the choice, as much as my heart is just breaking into a million pieces, as much as I wish I could, I can not live my life the way they want me to live it.