I went on anti-depressants in November 2008. I went cold turkey off anti-depressants in Sept 2009. It was 70 days of hell that I wasn’t quite sure if I was going to survive or not. I did. I felt good, fine, better off them than I did on. So I thought. At some point during the last 2 months, the darkness has started to creep back into my thoughts, into my body. I can not pinpoint the exact moment when my mood started to crack and the dank tendrils of depression started to poke their way in. It was a slow process, one that I felt coming on but refused to admit to until last week. Last week, it all fell apart. I spend 3 days in bed, unwilling, unable to force myself to get up and get on with my daily routine of living. 3 days of not eating, not getting dressed, not leaving my room, 3 days of being in some weird state of sleeping too much and yet not sleeping enough, thinking too much but zoning out for who knows how long and not thinking at all, 3 days of staring at nothing but the blackness inside of my skull and not having the energy to either succumb to it or stand up and fight it.
This is outrageously hard to admit to y’all but, fuck it, I am so tired of hiding, so tired of pretending, so fucking fucking tired of being alone and not knowing who the fuck I can turn to with this hot mess of a life that is mine. I spent a week resisting the overwhelming urge to go out, buy a new box cutter, and carve up my arms to try and get rid of some of this, all of this.
I have an appointment with a new Dr. this week. Jon will be home and he’ll go with me. I’m probably going to go back on the meds despite that fact that I really, really am not thrilled about it.
Professional help. Yeah. Blahblahblah.
No. I won’t.
I know I am way too much for my friends and family to want to deal with. I know I am. I know my behavior gets old and people just don’t want to deal with my shit. Hell, I don’t want to deal with my shit. I know who has tried and I love you for it. I don’t show it enough or maybe not in the way most normal people can understand, but I do. Know that. Ok? I’m going to be ok.
1 comment:
i hope you know i love you. for those who haven't expirienced living in the darkness it's hard to understand the pain and hopelessness. it's like living in a hellish "Groundhog Day" of despair wondering why in the world you should get up and go through the motions of living another day of misery with the same f-ing results the bring you back to hating life itself. for me... the good news is, that things have gotten better. i have to believe that it can for you too. my only hope is that you hang in there long enough to get there. i'm not sayin' everyhting is always good now. that would be total B.S. it's just that the good can outshine the bad enough to make it all worthwhile. and the more i'm true to making myself better and happier, the better it gets. i hope that you can get a balance of meds that you can live with and not feel wrong about. i hope that you know i love you, and that regardless of my helplessness to actually make anything better for you, i still care. ~LP~
Post a Comment